Where the Danger Lies
Beware the “Stranger” That You Know.
Note: This is part 2 of a series on violence prevention & empowerment self-defense. See part 1 HERE. The current post tackles the difficult topic of sexual violence.
It happens all the time. I am talking to someone about violence prevention and see the “aha moment” in their face. When does this occur?
It hits hard when people recognize that the danger of sexual assault lurks more from the people that you know or who are familiar to you than it does from the random stranger on the street. This “aha moment” resonates with their own recollections of danger or abuse based upon prior incidents in their lives or in the lives of loved ones.
As humans, it is understandable that we may struggle to see that the people already in our lives—even those on the periphery- may represent a risk to our safety. We want to extend trust. After all, we are nice, trustworthy people ourselves, right?
85% of sexual violence attacks are committed by someone known to the victim in some capacity—it could be an acquaintance, someone familiar, or someone known in other ways to the survivor (e.g., family member, ‘friend’, coach, boss, coworker, person in power, classmate, dating partner, etc.) See RAINN, NIJ, or The Safety Team for more information.
We just don’t see it coming when the attacker is someone we thought that we knew ‘well enough’ and/or are supposed to be able to trust.
So, how do you know that you can trust someone with your safety? Truthfully, there are no foolproof or guaranteed methods of assessing this. Rather, I (and the members of The Safety Team) believe that trust is EARNED based on actions over time.
A person may earn your trust by demonstrating, time and time again, that they at a minimum:
respect your big and small boundaries
listen to and abide by your various preferences regarding your body (and more)
clearly value your safety and wellbeing
Of course, this trust can be revoked if circumstances change leading you to believe that your safety is in jeopardy. Note: there are many types of trust and I am referring primarily to trust regarding your physical safety.
Trust is earned through actions over time.
All of this is NOT to imply that attacks by strangers don’t happen. They do. Women and others at elevated risk are commonly on high alert in parking garages, on streets at night, when traveling in unfamiliar areas, and so forth. Many of us have been socialized for years to be wary of traveling alone in these places and would likely be erroneously blamed by society for predators’ behavior if we were to be attacked there.
Shouldn’t you have known better? What were you doing there? What were you wearing? Were you drinking? Etc. Etc.
THAT is victim blaming at its core. You know who causes attacks? ATTACKERS.
100% of attacks are 100% the fault of the attacker. Victims don’t cause attacks. Attackers do. End of story.
Check out this video that demonstrates the different worlds that we live in based on gender: PROJECT UNSPOKEN
Q: Shouldn’t we be working to reduce the number of attackers rather than making potential victims change their behavior? Shouldn’t we all be able to enjoy the same freedoms with a sense of safety?
A: Yes, yes, and HELL YES!
Sadly, that isn’t our current reality.
I do appreciate the work of Jackson Katz on this topic.
From Part 1 of this series: Trust your intuition. It is always in response to something and has your best interests at heart.
Side note: there is no single profile of an attacker as there are many different types of attacks (domestic violence, sexual assault, physical violence, stalking, emotional abuse, and so on). What works to deter an attack in one situation, may be contraindicated in another.
I’ll do my best to tackle some of these topics in future posts.
I believe survivors. I support survivors. I stand with survivors.
I hope you do too.
Thanks for reading.
Reach out for more information about our violence prevention or trauma recovery programs at The Safety Team